How friendly is your church?

 

Jeremy and Jo Bray lead The King’s Church, Didcot, UK and have seen it grow from a young plant to a church of over 100. But have you ever heard of a church with ‘cigarette breaks’? We asked Jeremy to explain himself!

I spend part of my life as a journalist at medical conferences, along with thousands of doctors that I don’t know. The presentations are fine – over the years I’ve learnt to understand the technical jargon, and as the Powerpoint slides roll on you are sheltered in the semi-darkness. But the coffee breaks can get difficult. Hoards of excited medics chew over the latest studies and catch up with old friends from different parts of the world… and then there’s me – a different species, a nobody, flitting between lonely slurps and munches and grabbing 10 minutes’ safety in the toilets to prepare for the next session!

But don’t worry about me – having been an estate agent in a former life I‘ve developed a hard skin. But how do you think new people in your church meetings feel? As leaders, we can get very comfortable with the church culture we live in, including the language, attitudes, and activities. But for someone just visiting one of our ‘normal’ church meetings, it can be an incredibly confusing experience. What do I wear? What do I say? When do I stand? Where do my kids go? Where are the toilets?

It’s good to take a fresh look at ourselves and our congregations to see if they really reflect the approach of “the friend of sinners” (Matt 9:11; 11:19) who laid down His life for His friends (John 15:13). Jesus consistently demonstrated His friendship to people – both to those he lived with and knew well, and to those he met only once. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German theologian said, “Jesus is God in human form – the Man for Others, and the church is the church only when it exists for others”.

We are commanded in Scripture to love God and love our neighbours as ourselves. One of the ways in which we can fulfil these commandments is simply to be friendly to people. Friendliness must be a foundation for our church, long before we draw up any evangelistic strategy; the term ‘friendship evangelism’ suggests a hook, whereas real friendship comes with no strings attached.

Rick Warren, Pastor of one of the largest churches in the USA, writes that a common complaint from unchurched people is that, “Church members are unfriendly to visitors. It feels like a clique”. He continues, “These people may feel that church is a members-only organisation – they don’t know the terminology, songs or rituals, they feel foolish and judged”. Warren comments that the ‘number 1’ emotion unbelievers feel when they visit a typical church meeting is fear! I didn’t really believe this until just a few weeks ago, when a couple of women who had attended our Alpha course arrived at a Sunday morning meeting literally shaking!

We want visitors to meet Jesus in our gatherings, but they usually meet us first! Just taking time to consider how visitors may feel when they arrive at one of our meetings will make the process easier. We can do simple things like reserving some car parking spaces near the door for visitors, making sure that our theological language is explained and using Powerpoint to illustrate the main points of sermons for people with hearing problems.

Modelling, teaching, persevering

In many areas of church life leaders need to lead by example. Modelling friendliness is no exception. It’s absolutely vital to mix with people before and after a meeting. It’s so easy to get caught up with preparing the notices, or fixing the mic stand, when new people are pouring in and needing to be settled. I’m fortunate to be in a church small enough that I can aim to greet every new person before a meeting. They will certainly pay more attention to your sermon if you have greeted them personally beforehand. Why not try to get to the exit as soon as the meeting finishes to catch the early leavers – it may feel like a case of “Lovely sermon, Vicar”, but it will leave a good impression.

It is important to model thanks too. People serving the tea and coffee after the meeting work hard and can feel out of the action. They need encouragement, so why not thank them as you pick up your drink and give them more grace to keep smiling for the rest of the queue. It could catch on!

Friendliness needs to be taught, but many Christians have never learnt how to reach out to people. My Dad was in the Foreign Office, representing Her Majesty’s Government around the world. He had to host posh cocktail parties to fly the flag and develop friendships between governments. I learned that a good host welcomes their guests, hangs up their coats, gets them a drink and introduces them to a few people to ensure they are settled and able to handle the rest of the evening. Too often in our meetings we leave new people to make their own way. Our fear and embarrassment can be received as rudeness. How rude it is to leave a new person on their own when everyone is talking around them. If we are not careful our meetings will be a poor advertisement for a friendly God. Let’s start by teaching our people about considering others before our own needs.

This all takes perseverance. People need to be constantly reminded and encouraged that our response to the gospel must be to reach out to people with the same love with which God reached out to us. Beware of what we call the ‘Third Sunday Syndrome’; we have taught our members to welcome new people in and for the first two weeks they greet visitors warmly and chat to them, but by week 3 the enthusiasm or confidence runs out. As a leader, keep an eye out for people on their own, or if your church is larger, get a team together who can be responsible for ensuring that all visitors are spoken with and welcomed properly. I see one of my roles to be giving the people I serve the confidence to bring their friends and family to a church meeting. This approach may mean that we have to change things. Keep at it – it’s worth it! Sow friendliness into the heart of your church and you will see a glorious, unstructured response that somehow God works in to reach people.

Set your direction

Are you and your church primarily here to service the needs of your existing congregation or to introduce people to Christ? There is often a tension between building loving communities of believers and ensuring that we are open to all newcomers. It can be tricky trying to balance the needs of people who have never even heard of the Old Testament with those that are hungry for a carpetlicking, spiritfilling worship sensation. But if we view our Sunday meetings as a catch-all, to reach out, in, up and down, we just end up feeling giddy!

In our congregation we have an agreement that our Sunday morning meeting is for “others”. We make everything understandable, short and jargon-free. Our aim is that people will want to come back. People usually remember an atmosphere of friendliness and warmth more than a sermon. We’ve discovered that our committed core members enjoy this atmosphere and grow in confidence to bring their friends.

There are costs to this, such as a shorter worship time, but it reminds people that the Sunday morning meeting is not the ‘church’ – it is just one facet of church life. The church can gather at other times in the week for community groups, prayer breakfasts, or in-depth teaching, but on Sundays we are there for others. You may pigeon hole this approach as seeker-friendly – we don’t, we just call it friendly.

Obviously, in this article I have focussed on a Sunday meeting, but friendliness should characterise the whole life of the church. For example, our small group evenings are based around a meal, which means that the lonely enjoy a meal in a family setting, it’s the best place to take communion, and everyone has the opportunity to talk about issues in an informal, relaxed way. As the church grows, the small group becomes the ‘care centre’. Our experience has been that dedicating Sunday mornings to others actually strengthens all other aspects of church life.

Jesus’ commands are clear: “Love each other as I have loved you” and “Love your neighbour as yourself”. Let’s work on making our lives and the lives of our churches reflect these commands.

 

With thanks to the teaching and inspiration of the Mumfords of Derby, the Gledhills of Walsall and the Warrens of Orange County, California.